A hole in my heart.

I love her. I will always, always love her. But my heart aches being away from Peru.

My mom is doing okay, right now. She has started her third week of treatment and the side effects of radiation treatment and chemotherapy are slowly catching up to her. We have a pretty good system going, I take her to and from treatment everyday while closely monitoring her medication, liquids and diet. The first week of October she will have repeat PET and CT scans to determine how much the tumor has shrunk and if she will be a surgical candidate. The chemotherapy makes her nauseous and tired but the problem now is the radiation. The radiation is slowly burning her esophagus (because of the close proximity of the tumor) and what once hurt swallowing, now seems unbearable. As the oncologist stated, "your throat will start to hurt and then after week 3, you will no longer be able to eat or drink." How fun...

Most thought it would be physically and mentally draining helping and watching my Mom during this difficult time. Quite the contrary, it feels so natural to me. Taking her to and from treatments is not only a time for us to bond, whether in silence or quiet conversation, but it is nice perspective for the both of us. Seeing how others respond to treatment, hearing stories, sharing tips and being there for someone in their darkest moments is what we experience. I enjoy monitoring her medication, fluids and diet which is proving to be more challenging as time goes on. My Mom and I have been described as each other's yin and yang. Without much conversation or explanation, I know what she needs or wants. But, my Mom is not the hardest part of returning...

I knew a long time ago that Peru is a place I would consider spending the rest of my life. After coming home unexpectedly, I am not considering it anymore. Once I return, I WILL spend the rest of my life there, without a doubt. There is no better way to describe what I am feeling than homesickness. I am incredibly homesick. I knew leaving Peru and more than just the country, leaving all of my children, would be difficult. But, I never thought that leaving what I now call my "home" would physically and mentally be unbearable. I understand why I am back in the States and that I need to help my Mom, but being away feels like I have a giant hole in my heart. I can't rightfully explain to anyone that asks why I am having such a hard time readjusting, the US just doesn't feel like home anymore.

I had a little taste of these feelings back in December when I returned home for the first time. I hated being back in Ohio and was torn about how I could physically and mentally fulfill both lives I wanted to live, in America and Peru. I now know that I can't live with my body in one country and my soul in another. I know God wants me to be here for my Mom during this difficult journey, but I never thought it would be so difficult being somewhere my heart isn't. The love for my Mom is infinite (even bigger than the country of Peru or all my children) and that is essentially what I have to tell myself every time my heart aches for home.

Once my Mom's battle with cancer ends (good or bad outcome), I will return home. Home to Peru, where I left my heart. I choose to follow God's calling, His plan for me and my heart even if it means leaving behind things I once loved.

So for right now, I'm okay. As hard as it is being away from home, I know I'm in the right place. I know I made the right decision. When my Mom doesn't remember appointment times, forgets medication doses, doesn't want to drink enough water, needs company, is in so much pain she is in tears, wants to eat a Johnny Rocket's hamburger with vanilla milkshake, needs someone to laugh at Doctors with and not only be her daughter but a best friend...I'm here.

Thank you to everyone that has helped my Mom and my family in any way throughout this journey. Please continue to pray and always eat dessert first :)

-teaner

Ps. I am returning to Peru for 2 weeks in mid-October!!!! And obviously, couldn't be more excited. Extraño todos mis hijos, amigos, Doctor y las. Vuelvo pronto :) Siempre estoy pensando en Uds. TE QUIERO MUCHOOOOOOOO.