Falling in LOVE (all over again)

I took a break from taking care of my Mom to return home to Peru for 3 weeks. Every trip is a little different and these 3 weeks have been some of the most important on my path to self discovery, journey of faith and love for a home full of incredible children.

For me, true love is indescribable. It's this incredible feeling that changes you. It's as if life without this love would be insignificant. But the process of falling in love...that's the most poignant part of the indescribable feelings. The way love can change you as a person and the way it can form your life path is baffling. I have yet to experience the 'falling in love' for that one person you want to spend the rest of your life with. And to be quite honest, I don't think I want that for myself anymore. But the 'falling in love' I am experiencing is unreal. I thought I had head over heals fallen in love one year ago, but I take it back. Infatuation is a better word I felt last year for the country of Peru, the children, the Home, the language and everything in between. Over the past year I have finally fallen in love with myself. I love who I have become and the recent life choices I have made. I have committed my life to service and adventure and couldn't be happier. Finding and creating happiness, loving myself and dedicating my life to others has only aided falling in love.

No longer infatuation, I have fallen in love with countless things. A country, which an incredible woman describes, "There was a rawness and beauty in Peru that brought every emotion right to the surface, and I loved the feeling, loved being in this place where the best and worst of everything seemed to coexist." Couldn't have said it better myself. Peru is a country beaming with culture and flooded with poverty. The people don't have much in terms of material objects or monetary wealth, but what they do have in abundance is compassion, care and love for the human race. It has been said that when one Peruvian cries, the nation cries with them and when one celebrates, the whole country dances. It's a wonderful country and I have finally been able to pinpoint why. It really isn't about the money unlike the United States or many other countries...it's about kindness.

As I spooned a 2 year old boy, Jose Luis, his ice cream the night before I left, my eyes welled with tears. The nurses, who are not only my second Moms but my best friends, calmed my tears and reassured me that I would be back soon. But that wasn't it. I know I will be back soon and that I need to be home for my Mom during surgery. My tears, were tears of happiness. I explained to them, that I was sad to leave but I had finally found something I love so much and want to do for the rest of my life. I love where I am and what I am doing. I love those children more than anything in the world. I don't just feel like it's my home, but it is my family. I have discovered my passion, discovered my reason for living and most importantly...I discovered myself.

The children :]

The home is a funny place. When I walked through the door at 5:30 Thursday morning, it was the exact same house I left 2 months ago. The children came running and screaming to greet me and I immediately fell in to the same routines I had been doing for the last year. I was home. In those 3 weeks, I did some things I have never done before in Peru. One unforgettable memory was a 5 day trip to a nearby city, Chancay, where I was able to accompany 2 of my girls for surgery. I went with children to Lima for their medical appointments for the first time, ALONE. I made a home visit with one of the social workers from the burn hospital. I ventured up the mountains and saw the most amazing sunset I have ever seen in my life. I took the children to the movie theater (not once, but twice) without any scrapes or bruises...and we were home in time for dinner. I reconnected with Leah, a volunteer who I came to know last year, and remembered why we became friends in the first place. I took countless naps with Ana Lucero and Tracy and secretly slept in the girl's room for a week straight. I cried at Mass when I hugged and kissed my children for the sign of peace because it was one of the most beautiful, powerful moments of faith I have witnessed. I helped the Doctor prepare medicine for his trip back to the States and there was an understood silence that filled the room that brought a smile to my face. I stayed up all night with the nurses talking about life, the future and what will happen next.

It's like I just belong there. Even with all the chaos of 50 something children...I wouldn't trade it for the world. I have fallen in love with so many things within the past year and my love only deepens day after day. My Mom has a collage that says, "Only absence makes the heart grow fonder", and the 2 months I spent away from home only deepened my relationships with the children, the Home and Peru.

I hear the wind across the plain 
A sound so strong - that calls my name 
It's wild like the river - it's warm like the sun 
Ya it's here - this is where I belong 

Under the starry skies - where eagles have flown 
This place is paradise - it's the place I call home 
The moon on the mountains 
The whisper through the trees 
The waves on the water 
Let nothing come between this and me 

Cuz everything I want - is everything that's here 
And when when we're all together - there's nothing to fear 
And wherever I wander - the one thing I've learned 
It's to here - I will always....always return

Raspberry Pie and a whole lot of smiles :]

An update on my Mom:

She's a miracle. She's incredible. She's a fighter. She's my Mom.

They told us...she had 6 months.

They told us...treatment might not work.

They told us...surgery was a long shot.

I guess "they" never met Julie Columbia. Treatment worked! The oncologist said treatment would be hell and I can honestly say that's what it was. Jules couldn't eat or drink for almost 2 weeks straight. Watching the person you love become unrecognizable, is heartbreaking. As a caregiver, you feel helpless. As a person, you feel guilty. But as her daughter, I felt strong. If she can fight all of this, I can at least love and be present. 

The tumor shrunk about 50%. The oncologist was shocked. This was the best response she has ever seen with her rare form of cancer. Surgery? The surgery date is now set. The surgeon believes, with 85% certainty, she can remove ALL of the tumor. 

TAKE THAT CANCER. 

Jules is regaining strength day by day. I think my time in Peru taught me not to take anything for granted...and I mean anything. Eating breakfast, going to the bank, heading to the grocery store, going out to lunch, picking up prescriptions, going to appointments, watching the nightly news and eating a sandwich on the porch are such normal things. But for me, I did these "normal" things by myself for 2 whole months because my Mom was too sick. I missed telling her all of the crazy things that happen in a fruit and vegetable market. I missed trying new restaurants with her. Regaining these little things, reminds me never take anything for granted...no matter how small. 

After we heard the news on Thursday that surgery is a go, I immediately called someone who has been there since Day 1. She most likely will never see this post and won't even be able to understand it. But Miss Miriam, you are incredible. One of the Hogar's nurses, she was there with me the night I found out. Even though we are thousands of miles apart, your texts and phone calls are a reminder of God's love for his followers. I called her on Thursday, crying. And she knew. She knew my shaky voice was filled with relief, happiness, love and utter joy. She said, "Her treatment worked, didn't it? I knew God would take care of you. See you soon!" 

There couldn't be good news without...dessert! A piece of Jules' favorite raspberry pie was eaten Thursday afternoon in bed while watching Law and Order: SVU. What a good day, October 11th. 

I RETURN HOME ON WEDNESDAY TO PERU! And obviously I am incredibly excited! Can't wait to see all my children, the nurses, the Doctor, my friends and the country I fell in love with. 

"It is good to feel lost... because it proves you have a navigational sense of where "Home" is.  You know that a place that feels like being found exists.  And maybe your current location isn't that place but, Hallelujah, that unsettled, uneasy feeling of lost-ness just brought you closer to it."

Love you Mom.

Ps. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DAUGHTER EVELYN! 15 years old! Love you forever and ever and you will always be my first daughter and God-daughter! TKM. Besitosss.

Pss. Sorry for the high phone bills, Dad! 

A hole in my heart.

I love her. I will always, always love her. But my heart aches being away from Peru.

My mom is doing okay, right now. She has started her third week of treatment and the side effects of radiation treatment and chemotherapy are slowly catching up to her. We have a pretty good system going, I take her to and from treatment everyday while closely monitoring her medication, liquids and diet. The first week of October she will have repeat PET and CT scans to determine how much the tumor has shrunk and if she will be a surgical candidate. The chemotherapy makes her nauseous and tired but the problem now is the radiation. The radiation is slowly burning her esophagus (because of the close proximity of the tumor) and what once hurt swallowing, now seems unbearable. As the oncologist stated, "your throat will start to hurt and then after week 3, you will no longer be able to eat or drink." How fun...

Most thought it would be physically and mentally draining helping and watching my Mom during this difficult time. Quite the contrary, it feels so natural to me. Taking her to and from treatments is not only a time for us to bond, whether in silence or quiet conversation, but it is nice perspective for the both of us. Seeing how others respond to treatment, hearing stories, sharing tips and being there for someone in their darkest moments is what we experience. I enjoy monitoring her medication, fluids and diet which is proving to be more challenging as time goes on. My Mom and I have been described as each other's yin and yang. Without much conversation or explanation, I know what she needs or wants. But, my Mom is not the hardest part of returning...

I knew a long time ago that Peru is a place I would consider spending the rest of my life. After coming home unexpectedly, I am not considering it anymore. Once I return, I WILL spend the rest of my life there, without a doubt. There is no better way to describe what I am feeling than homesickness. I am incredibly homesick. I knew leaving Peru and more than just the country, leaving all of my children, would be difficult. But, I never thought that leaving what I now call my "home" would physically and mentally be unbearable. I understand why I am back in the States and that I need to help my Mom, but being away feels like I have a giant hole in my heart. I can't rightfully explain to anyone that asks why I am having such a hard time readjusting, the US just doesn't feel like home anymore.

I had a little taste of these feelings back in December when I returned home for the first time. I hated being back in Ohio and was torn about how I could physically and mentally fulfill both lives I wanted to live, in America and Peru. I now know that I can't live with my body in one country and my soul in another. I know God wants me to be here for my Mom during this difficult journey, but I never thought it would be so difficult being somewhere my heart isn't. The love for my Mom is infinite (even bigger than the country of Peru or all my children) and that is essentially what I have to tell myself every time my heart aches for home.

Once my Mom's battle with cancer ends (good or bad outcome), I will return home. Home to Peru, where I left my heart. I choose to follow God's calling, His plan for me and my heart even if it means leaving behind things I once loved.

So for right now, I'm okay. As hard as it is being away from home, I know I'm in the right place. I know I made the right decision. When my Mom doesn't remember appointment times, forgets medication doses, doesn't want to drink enough water, needs company, is in so much pain she is in tears, wants to eat a Johnny Rocket's hamburger with vanilla milkshake, needs someone to laugh at Doctors with and not only be her daughter but a best friend...I'm here.

Thank you to everyone that has helped my Mom and my family in any way throughout this journey. Please continue to pray and always eat dessert first :)

-teaner

Ps. I am returning to Peru for 2 weeks in mid-October!!!! And obviously, couldn't be more excited. Extraño todos mis hijos, amigos, Doctor y las. Vuelvo pronto :) Siempre estoy pensando en Uds. TE QUIERO MUCHOOOOOOOO.

One Year...

One year. August 2011-August 2012.

People say that one year can change everything. People change. Things change. Lives change. And mine sure has...

One year ago, I got on a plane to Peru not knowing anything. Looking back now, what a crazy thing I did. I boarded that plane not knowing a thing about Peru let alone South America, I didn't know the language, I was unsure of where I would be staying...I was alone. But I did it anyway. Within this past year...I fell in love. I fell in love with a country full of culture. The sights, the sounds and the food (yes, even the food) I have become accustomed to. The language is natural and the people, well they're my family. 

But most of all, I have fallen in love with a home full of children that amaze me day after day. Day to day life that makes me giddy inside, smile ear to ear and wear my heart on my sleeve. It truly is love. At the beginning of my journey, I never thought I would want to spend the rest of my life in the country I first despised. But now, I have found my calling. It's not something I want, need or have to do. My journey, which I have now made a life commitment to, is a calling from God. 

And within one year...everything came crashing down. I'm at a loss of words even writing about her.

My Mom. A woman who has faced every obstacle and challenge in her life with a fight, has been diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. My heart stopped when she told me over the phone from the hospital all the way to Peru. My knees buckled and I stayed up all night with the nurses crying about the news she reluctantly told me. The incredible year I was having, was now over. Life as I knew it...over. As I gathered my thoughts and feelings, I could only think about one thing. This makes sense. 

My Mom, Julie, has been preparing me for a moment like this...my whole life. She taught me when I was little to enjoy the time we are given. Eat dessert first. Go to concerts. Take a mental health day. Eat good food. Travel. Spend time with your kids. Sing. Buy expensive things. Lay on the beach. Don't let others dictate your life. Be passionate. Follow your heart. Pay it forward. Learn to cook. 

The list goes on and on...

And this is what my Mom and I have done for the last 20 years of my life. Being diagnosed with cancer is not a death sentence for my mom or my family. She could very well lose her battle with the disease or she could kick it in the ass...we have no way of knowing yet. But either way, My Mom and I have lived an incredible life. I am so thankful for being granted 20 seemingly endless years with her. What an honor. And for right now, I can do nothing else except be there for her. I can make her laugh and smile, we can cry together and we can be as strong as we possibly can. That's it. There's no point in guessing, we just need to live day by day enjoying each other's company. 

My mom wrote me a letter before my adventure in August of 2011. She wrote, 

"Christine, don't fret about what will happen next year. Everything will fall into place. Just live and be present every single day you are in Peru. Life is all about taking risks even if it means creating your own path. You know I love you." -Mom

Some people are questioning my reaction and emotions during the initial process of her treatment. I have always been a realist. My initial reaction? Tears, and lots of them. I cried to the nurses (the nurses are like my second moms in Peru) all night. After my initial reaction? What can I do for my mom. How can I help her. If she were to refuse treatment, I can only respect her decision. Just like my Mom...I am not afraid of dying. If she were to die, of course I would be upset. But more than upset, I would be thankful for her existence. I can't continue to cry about the unknowns. We need to take each day one by one and accept the challenges and triumphs as they come. As my Mom has told me, having an outlet of talking to others is essential. Which is what I have been doing. I communicate with the nurses, Doctor and my children from Peru daily. She also told me that this experience will also rely a lot on your inner self. I shouldn't be afraid. I shouldn't be worried. I am only grateful for years past and hopeful for her fight against this cancer. 

As for me, well leaving Peru is a scenario I never imagined. I have committed endless years at the Home with my children and couldn't be more excited. After returning home unexpectedly, I am experiencing extreme culture shock and most of my communication is still in Spanish with those back in Peru. Of course, I was devastated leaving Peru. But, this is something I need to do. My Mom has incredible friends that will be such an essential part of her fight, but nothing comes close to fighting this than with family. Whether we win or lose her battle with cancer, I will make my way back home...to Peru.

What an incredible year. Within one year, I have accomplished things I would have never thought possible. And now, I am home with my Mom to accompany her on a journey we have never ventured. We can only hope for the best and pray to overcome struggle. And always, eat dessert first. That's what life is all about :]

With much love, 

Teaner

THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER :] 20!

On Tuesday, I had a HUGE birthday celebration that...YES! is worth blogging about.

I think everyone knows by now, how much I love the children at the Home. But today, my kids showed a part of themselves that I have never seen. My morning started off early at 5:30 am when I woke up dancing to Britney Spears as my roommate Maddie, groaned about what time it was. She soon got in the birthday spirit and was singing along to Nsync and The Backstreet Boys. As I headed down the stairs to greet the children, they started singing to me and Miss Adela (a nurse that I share the same birthday with). Miss Adela had 2 shots of Pisco (similar to Vodka) ready to drink for the beginning of our birthday celebration. 50 hugs and kisses were exchanged and not one child forgot to tell me happy birthday before 9 am.

The Mamitas (the cooks) at the Hogar, make exceptional homemade bread for breakfast. If we are given a donation of Paneton (sweet candy bread) we always use that first and then eat "Mamita bread". We had a donation of, not even kidding, 500 boxes of Paneton. YUCK! I begged Mamita Monday night if we could have her bread for breakfast on Tuesday because it was my birthday. She said no and that the doctor would get mad. I begged and begged and she just wouldn't budge. But...Tuesday Morning when I headed downstairs, fresh Mamita bread was waiting for me! Everyone knows I am a little bit of a food snob and having my favorite bread on my birthday was such a treat! Love you Mamitas :]

After breakfast and getting the kids off to school, I was called to the patio by our teacher, Jenny and all of the older kids. All of the kids sang Happy Birthday to me in English and then the traditional Spanish song. Evelyn, my goddaughter, presented me with gifts and a note the children wrote me. Evelyn got me a frame with a picture of the two of us and the other kids bought me a purse (which happens to be the same exact purse I bought and LOVED days before I was robbed in the jungle). The note said,

"To Cristina, our best friend and Mother. Happy Birthday! Thank you so much for all that you do for us and the joy you have brought to our lives. God had blessed you forever and we will never forget you. We love you, Mom!"

I lost it. In front of my best friends, children and peers...I started bawling. It was only 10 am and I knew this was going to be the best birthday ever, maybe even the best day of my life ;] 

The other volunteers had a few surprises up their sleeves as well. A few volunteers asked the Doctor if we could make Pisco Sours (the national drink of Peru...Pisco, sugar, lime juice, chili powder and egg whites) and if he would drink with us to celebrate my birthday. The Doctor never turns down a chance to drink alcohol, so the other volunteers made the Pisco Sours and during lunch the Doctor came down from his office, sat next to me and drank. I told him I knew about the puppy he was hiding in his room to give me as a birthday gift and he died of laughter. We took pictures and I told him to straighten out his back, smile with his teeth and try not to look like an old man. He grinned ;]

THE WORST, BEST PART OF A PERUVIAN BIRTHDAY....

It's a Peruvian tradition to crack eggs and throw flour on the birthday boy or girl. Well that sure happened! I had over 20 eggs cracked on my head and was covered in flour by 2 pm. The older and younger children surprised me with eggs, chased me with eggs and even the Staff members cracked eggs on my head. So much fun! Yet sooooo disgusting...

The older boys made me traditional woven bracelets, the girls made me signs and everything just seemed perfect. Until I opened my birthday letters from a book that my best friend, Lizzy, made me before I left on this incredible journey. The letters were incredible. I cried in my room reading each and every one from friends, family and teachers. It was the perfect reminder of why I am celebrating my 20th birthday with 62 new sons and daughters. I can't thank you enough, Lizzy, for that book. It brings tears to my eyes every time I open a page and read encouraging words from loved ones :] 

Just as I thought the day was coming to a close, dinner was served. As I finished eating my dinner, the Doctor got up from the table and left for a few minutes. I went to help Miguel find his walker and when I came back...the lights were off and everyone was signing happy birthday to me. My favorite blueberry cheesecake from the coffee shop we go to everyday was topped with 20 lit candles. The Doctor set the cake in front of me and said, "Make a Wish!" I started crying and blew out the candles. This Man, Saint, Doctor, Friend and Servant of God has changed my life in so many ways. The volunteers told me that it was all his idea...he bought the cake, got everyone together to sing and even had a bite of cake!!! (in 8 months I haven't seen him eat one sweet treat!) What an incredible moment. 

April 17th, 2012. The Best Birthday Ever. Not only did I get to celebrate my birthday with my 60 incredible children, The Saintly Doctor, great volunteers, a thoughtful staff, beautiful weather, a Peruvian breeze and cracked eggs....BUT WITH MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY TOO :] The letters in my book reminded me why I am here, Lizzy and Ellen destroyed my facebook wall with a million birthday posts, I received birthday phone calls from family and heard from so many people wishing me a happy birthday  and a wonderful time in Peru. 

A great friend and volunteer, Katherine, asked me, "Did you ever imagine last year on your 19th birthday, you would be spending your 20th birthday in Peru?" The Answer, No! Last year on my 19th birthday, I had just had a falling out with my Dad. I was upset and missing my Mom who I had spent every previous birthday with. I was living in New York City and went to a famous fish market and made myself crab cakes with spring vegetables. I brought my lunch to Central Park and cried under the Cherry Blossoms. And this year...I cried because I don't think life could get any better. I have fallen in love with so many people and have so much to be thankful for. Life is so infinitely beautiful! :]

Thank you to everyone for an incredible birthday ;]

With Love and Smelly Egg Clothes, 

-Teaner 

"Will you sleep with us again tonight?!"

Sorry, my thoughts are all over the place...

Before I tell you about one of the coolest days since being in Peru, let me tell you what I look like right now. My entire hair is in corn rows (yes, I look like a gangster), I have vomit on my shirt, my feet are black, my eyes can barely stay open, I had the greatest day ever (every day is better than the last), 60 children gave me 200 hugs, I was peed on, took a 4 year old to Mass for the first time, danced in the rain, was called "Mami Cristina" 4,000 times, RECEIVED AND GAVE SO MUCH LOVE :] life is amazing.

Thursday night and Friday. 

Since I arrived at the Hogar, I've had this odd obsession wondering what it would be like being a patient here. The children have explained to me how different it is being a volunteer than being a patient. I knew it would take time to form relationships with the children before I could be a "patient for a day" and after 7 months...I finally did it. 

My night started on Thursday when I decided I was going to sleep in the same room (15X15) with 24 girls. Crazy? Just a little. It took 30 minutes to figure out who I could sleep with because of skin disorders, contagious diseases, lice and who wets the bed. We finally decided I could sleep with Evelyn, my goddaughter on the bottom bunk. I brought down my blanket, pillow, stuffed animal and retainer. The girls thought my small, wire retainer was the most fascinating contraption ever even though they have huge metal hardware in their legs to grow their bones? Hahahaha :] Bed time is at 9 pm sharp. The Doctor makes his way up the stairs screaming at the little boys, checking to make sure everyone is in their beds, medication has been taken, school uniforms are ready for Friday morning and to give hugs to those that are waiting to say good night. He peeped his head in the girls room to say goodnight when I yelled out in Spanish, "Good night Doctor Tony. See you tomorrow!" Laughter erupted ;]

I don't think I can even explain what happened next without shedding a few tears. After the Doctor went upstairs, God was fully present in that tiny, hot room. The remaining 15-20 girls who were still awake said prayers together. Paulina opened with the sign of the cross and all followed with an Our Father and Hail of Mary. Each girl, in no specific order, prays out loud to God. I heard things within that 20 minutes that have literally changed my soul. The girls prayed for their Mom's and Dad's, brother's and sister's, friends and enemies. They asked for help with school work and relationships. They prayed that their families would have enough food to eat, siblings wouldn't go hungry, no earthquakes or floods and that God would keep violence out of their lives. Finally the girls prayed for their health. The reason for being at the Hogar in the first place...comes after their families, safety and protection. Violeta lead the final prayer thanking God for the Doctor, the Home and the gift of life. I cried myself to sleep knowing these incredible girls, my daughters, my best friends and my inspirations do this every single night. 

I didn't really sleep, it was so hot in that room! With 24 girls, I think everything happened. Aracely slept talked, Lidia snored like an old man, Flor was coughing up a lung, Julia went to the bathroom at least 4 times and shook the bed...Oh it was fun! To make sure everyone has enough time to shower, change clothes, get ready for school and hospital appointments, clean the room and help the youngest children... WE WOKE UP AT 3:45 AM. YES 3:45 AM. This happens every single day at 3:45 AM. ONE MORE TIME....3:45 AM. 

It was mayhem until 6:15 am when the children head downstairs. It's hard to even imagine what the morning is like...kids screaming, crying, yelling, laughing, moaning, shower constantly running, clothes being thrown, hair braiding, melt-downs, missing socks, doorbell ringing, cleaning. This routine has been happening for the last 17 years. It was insane! I give the girls, the nurses and the Doctor so much credit. I thought it was hard living with my sister, but living with 23 other girls...oh my gosh! The girls are so great with each other though. They all may have petty fights during the day but as Evelyn said to me, "At the end of the day, we're family. We don't just eat, sleep and live together. We experience each other's sadness, happiness, tears, health problems and break-ups together. That's why we pray together at night. We're sisters and we are lucky to have a Mom like you." I'm a Mom. Wow. 

After morning mayhem, I sat down and ate breakfast with the children. The doctor came around and served bread which he treated me like any other patient, asking me how many pieces I wanted. I quickly realized why there is so much whispering at the tables. I hate cheese (the kids eat a small piece of white cheese every morning) so I traded cheese for someone's milk. Once you have finished, you say thank you to the Mamitas and the Doctor and ask what chore you can do...sweeping the dining room, living room, second floor, patio, sidewalk or cleaning off the tables. 

Lunch and Dinner have the same routine except I realized it was Friday. Fish Friday. YUCK! I hate the fried fish here and as a volunteer, I can choose not to eat it. But as a patient, you have to eat what you are given. I traded my fish and potatoes for salad and more rice. I give the kids so much credit because for the most part, no one ever complains about meal time. 

A small van picks the kids up for school, so in the afternoon I went to drop off the older kids at school and then rode with the driver to pick up the younger kids. I went in to secondary school (the equivalent of high school) Felipe Santiago Estenos. My kids are so well behaved compared to other children as they  walked right in to class and pulled out their notebooks. The younger children came running and screaming towards the van when they saw I was inside! Hugs and kisses were exchanged and we headed back home. 

My day as a patient was incredible. I am so glad that I got to experience a little bit of what they feel every day. The kids were amazed that I kept up with the routine and followed all the rules just like any other child. An 8 year old, Aracely, asked me at the end of the day how my day was. I said it was good and told her all about it. She then thanked me. She said, "Thank you for doing that. A lot of volunteers come for just a week and don't really understand what it's like living here. You don't actually know what someone's life is like unless you actually try living it. Will you sleep with us again tonight?"

Every girl has asked me at least 20 times when the next time I will sleep with them is....precious!

So, to end this post...I will say this. What I am experiencing here isn't just happiness. It's not just a home where children receive medical treatment. There aren't just 60 children that I've come to know. These 60 children are my children. Their tears are my tears and my laughter is their laughter. It's not a house, but a home full of faith. It's not vomit, pee or poop but a chance to show compassion. I'm not just a volunteer, I'm a Mom. It's love. It's life. They are the love of my life :] And I wouldn't have it any other way...

-Teaner :]

Happiness Project Update! Lizbeth :]

Who knew a six year old could complete my happiness project?

Her eyes beam with love as she hobbles down the stairs in the morning. By 8 am she's covered in dirt, toothpaste in her hair and her pants tucked into her underwear. She may fall at least 50 times a day, but I have never seen her once cry. Her laugh echoes through the house and everyone knows it's "abuelita". She loves lollipops, grapes, mangoes, fried rice, apples and Cheetos. Her tiny hands are black at the end of the day and when she touches my face, I cringe.  She kisses me goodnight and is the only person in all of Peru that can say my name correctly. Lizbeth just turned six years old and has taught me more about life than anyone I have ever known. 

1. Be Present

It doesn't matter to Lizbeth if we are swinging on the swings in the park, sharing an apple on the bus ride home from Lima or taking a nap on the couch...she just loves the company. Some of my favorite memories from my adventure aren't big moments, they are simple things that mean so much to these kids. Although she would love a huge bag of lollipops or cheetos (we were destined to be friends with our cheeto obsession) she also loves just snuggling on the couch after a long day. 

2. Smile at Strangers 

Lizbeth is the epitome of a nosey child. She loves to be in everyone's business especially strangers. On the bus, she will start a conversation with anyone because she likes their shirt, has the same shoes, wonders where they are going and to tell them she likes their nail polish. I've always been one to smile at strangers but never to make an actual conversation...Lizbeth has taught me different.

3. Trust My Friends

The background of my computer is me and my two best friends, Lizzy and Ellen. Anytime my computer opens, Lizbeth points out which one is Lizzy and which is Ellen telling me a little bit about both of them. "Lizbeth (as she calls Lizzy) is your best friend, you have known her for 14 years. You two look like twins. She has a black dog. She loves photos and art." "Ellen has freckles. Her mom is your godmother just like you are Evelyn's godmother." I think Lizbeth has told me these details at least 80 times but I love when she tells me. It's an incredible reminder from a 6 year old why I am here. Without my friends and family I wouldn't have met a little girl that has changed my life forever. 

4. Pursue my Passion 

I was the kid in grade school who truly believed I could change the world. Most thought I was crazy (most still think I am) but I wouldn't be where I am now without a lot of faith and finding my passion early on. Waking up every morning to Lizbeth's breathless voice yelling, "Christine! Christine! Come here" wouldn't be possible without believing I can change the world even if it's only one 6 year old at a time. 

5. Live with Integrity

Everyone knows the Doctor is a stern man always trying to keep order and no one knows that better than the kids. Lizbeth is the first kid to own up to every mess and broken item. It seems impossible to learn from a 6 year old how to live with integrity...but every glass of spilled milk can be cleaned up and refilled with the right sense of self and ownership. 

6. Be Kind

I've always tried to live by the saying, "kill em with kindness" and it is a lot harder to do than say. Most children develop a bratty side when they hit Lizbeth's age, but not her. Lizbeth is kind to everyone all the time. She has a way of being friends with everyone and when she wants to say something mean, she bites her tongue. 

7. Come from Love

Although I rarely say it, living with 60 children, 27 staff members, numerous volunteers and the Doctor is hard at times. The only alone time I can find is a quiet walk in the morning after breakfast or a trip to Carlos' corner store for a beso (a marshmallow treat with graham cracker and chocolate). I have an incredible amount of patience...but sometimes it's difficult with 20 kids hanging on your leg and arms when trying to eat or when 4 kids ask you for 4 different things at the same time. Lizbeth is always calling me over to tell me something trivial but to her it may be the most important thing in the world. I think that is what makes all the difference to these kids...being there for them whether it's something big or small. They appreciate every moment you spend with them. Even if I feel like I am on my last ounce of patience, I remind myself to come from love. It's with love that we can overcome our darkest fears and achieve our greatest dreams.

8. Expect a Miracle 

When I arrived at the Hogar almost 6 months ago, Lizbeth was walking poorly with 2 crutches. She would fall every 5th step and couldn't go up the stairs by herself. Six months later...Lizbeth is walking with one crutch and will soon be switched to a cane. She insists on going up and down the stairs by herself. With surgery, therapy and a lot of prayers...Lizbeth is a miracle. Every time my faith is being tested and I question my decision about staying longer, I simply look at Lizbeth. This incredible little girl has reached milestones right before my eyes. Miracles really do happen when you believe :]

9. Lighten Up

Before coming to Peru, most would describe me as a little up-tight (alright, a lot up tight). I think I finally decided in May of last year that I am only given one life to live, so why not live a little. As if jumping on a plane to South America wasn't crazy enough, I have decided to commit another year here at the Hogar. Every single day I am reminded to live a little whether it's playing a practical joke on the Doctor, being tickled to death by 10 kids, getting my ears double pierced with a needle and apple or just laughing so hard my face turns blue. 

10. Strive for Compassion

I've fallen in love with these children so much that it's hard to get me out of the house for a little while. I've become so close with the children that when one of them is having a bad day they ask for me, when one of them is crying they fall into my arms for consoling and when someone has had a great day they tell me every detail. Especially with Lizbeth, I've learned that if she's crying about something...all she wants is to fall asleep in my arms feeling the warmth of my heart. 

11. Eliminate the Negative

Lizbeth asked me one day in church if I was Catholic. I said yes and asked if she was. She shrugged her shoulders and said she didn't really know but she prays before meals and at night and loves every day. What a great answer. Praying and loving is what this 6 year old calls her religion. I couldn't agree more. I try and have a little more faith and show a little more love every single day because every day is a gift.

12. Make Footprints

Her feet are small and oddly shaped but Lizbeth knows the importance of her footprint more than anyone. Only two years ago, she was completely immobile. And now every step she takes is a miracle. Lizbeth's feet may be small but she has left giant footprints on my heart. I've tried to make footprints wherever I go, at St. Columban, Mount Notre Dame, Fordham University with my friends and with my family. As one of my high school teachers told me in December, "Don't think about your adventure in Peru in terms of time. Think about the children, the country and the Home in terms of moments. You will know when the time is to leave. When your heart is full and you are ready to give back the blessings the Home has given you, you can move on to whatever is next. For every footprint you leave, you will have given so much love. Create happiness and leave happiness. If you do that, you're going to have something special."

Obviously this post is dedicated to Lizbeth, but more importantly to anyone who is struggling to find happiness in their life. I sat down on a Saturday night with my best friend, Lizzy (ironic that my best friend and my favorite kid have the same name?) and made my list of commandments. 12 things I wanted to improve on that have guided my journey and brought me back to the purest place in my heart. If I had to give advice to anyone about their happiness journey, I would say one thing. Don't ignore a whisper. Don't ignore your dream that lies dormant in your heart. Do what makes you happy and follow your dreams. I wouldn't be here with Lizbeth and 60 other children without listening to a crazy whisper. Listen, Go and Love with all your heart. 

Ps. Lizbeth went home today :[ She was sooo incredibly excited to see her Dad and her sisters. Her Dad came to pick her up and told me all about when Lizbeth came and how she couldn't even move her legs. What progress! I was crying when I gave her one last hug and kiss and she said to me, "Don't worry, I'll pray just like the Doctor does before meals and before bed. I won't lose my glasses and I'll teach my sisters how to brush their teeth. I love you and I'll see you soon." Lizbeth will return in 6 months for a checkup!


LOVE YOU LIZBETH!!!!!! :] AND MISS YOU!

Moments of Grace :]

Sorry for the delay in posts...life is just crazy busy!

I have been in Peru for 6 months now (crazy, right?) and everyday seems to get better and better. I wake up every morning knowing that 50 children are expecting love and help and I am able to provide that for them. Never did I think that I would have children calling me Mommy Cristina when I am only 19 years old. Mother Theresa was mentioned this morning at Mass and something our Priest said about her, hit me like a ton of bricks. Mother Theresa talked often about "Moments of Grace", moments of life that just make your world stop. Moments that make you breathe in and out and realize this life we are living is absolutely wonderful. I think this is why I can call every day the best day of my life. Being here, in Peru with these children, makes my world stop. These are a few of those moments...if I can even put them in words ;]

It's Tuesday night and the doorbell rings. A little girl is standing behind a staff member (Ana) with her hair perfectly french braided. Ana has to nearly drag her in the door because she looks terrified. The kids immediately know she must be a new patient and swarm her with 50 questions. She doesn't say a word. Ana only knows her name, Jimena. Jimena is greeted by the Doctor who leads her to the dining room for  dinner. Ana sets Jimena's only bag of belongings next to her that is smaller than a lunch box. She stares at her dinner for a good 10 minutes before I sit down and try to talk to her. She still doesn't say a word, so I decide I'm going to do the talking. I tell her about the Doctor, the other kids, meal times, where she'll sleep and who the Mamita's are. Jimena says her first words to me, "Can I have a spoon for my milk?" I go to the cabinet and hand her the spoon. It isn't until then I realize she has a knob for a hand because of how badly burned she is. She tells me about her doll in her bag and I tell her I had a doll just like her's when I was younger. That exact moment we clicked. We bonded over a doll, milk and chicken and I will never forget it. Jimena spent the rest of the night coloring in my lap and knew she could trust me. I say goodnight to all the girls with hugs and kisses before bed and Jimena calls my name and leans in to give me a kiss. I've never felt so much love as I did with that single kiss. The badly burned girl who couldn't be more than 6 years old, who wouldn't talk to anyone...trusts me.

Most have heard me talk about the Doctor and what an incredible man he is. A man of few words that has given an insurmountable hope to children from all over Peru. One documentary titled "The Patients of a Saint" couldn't describe him better. Dr. Tony is incredibly busy waking up at 5:45 am and not going to bed until 11:30 pm. He has the biggest heart of anyone I have ever met, but doesn't always wear his heart on his sleeve. The Doctor has described himself as the "boggieman" with his stern tone and his need to keep a tight routine every single day. Instead of using his usual phrases during meal time (Hurry up! Eat your food! No talking! I'm not going to tell you kids again!) he did something out of the ordinary that made my heart ignite. A four year old girl named Paola, who hates to eat, was crying during dinner because she didn't want to finish her food. One of the older girls or I will usually feed her until her plate is clean, but instead...the Doctor sat down next to Paola and spooned her every last sip of milk and her whole plate of food. This man, who has 10,000 things to accomplish before bed, is taking the time to feed an upset child. Instead of using harsh words, he patted her back and spoke quietly and kindly.  A quiet moment of grace that a 69 year old man and a 4 year old shared that reminded me why this world is infinitely beautiful.

Here I go crying again ;] When I arrived at the Hogar almost 6 months ago, I met a little baby that immediately made my heart melt. Ask anyone, especially Lizzy, I was never a baby person...until I met Jean Pierre. His smile caught my eyes within the first week and I the nurses soon started referring to him as my son. Being a long term volunteer (or a permanent volunteer as someone called me today) allows you to see so much progress within the children. I can't even tell you much I have loved watching him grow these last 6 months. 6 months ago, he couldn't sit up on his own and the other day...he took his first steps! I'll never forget the moment. During baby hour he was holding on to the stairs and started to fuss. As we all looked over, you could see the confusion in his face. He was standing alone without the help of the stair railing confused about what to do next. Jean Pierre took a few un-aided steps and then sat back down. Of course, I started crying ;] I have never felt so alive in my life. Now I know the feeling parents have when they wish they had their video camera!

Mother Theresa knew exactly what it meant to experience, Moments of Grace, and I am blessed to be able to say I have too. These children have changed me. I no longer consider myself a volunteer, but one of the family. Many have asked, "What's next?" I couldn't possibly leave in May of 2013 to just return to Ohio, could I? The only thing I know for sure is that my heart is on fire being a servant of God living out my dreams. So many options are on the table with one crazy idea being...STARTING MY OWN HOME! Life is only just beginning and I couldn't be more excited to live it! So here's to all of the moments of life that make your world stop. The moments that can't possibly be put into words because your heart is so full of life and fire.

Whether it's tickling Lizbeth for hours or singing Dancing Queen in front of the kids, it's these moments of grace that remind me why my heart is "overflowing with graces and blessings" ;]

(Sorry had to be corny and make a reference to MND there hahaha)

Check out my next blog post too which is an update on my happiness project!!!

LOVE YOU ALL <3
-teaner

Cloud Nine.

There's a song titled, "Last Day of Your Life" that I am in love with. It basically asks the questions we should all be asking ourselves. If this was your very last day on planet earth, what would you be doing? Would you want to be doing what you did yesterday...or even last week? My answer used to be "no" and that is part of the reason why I changed the direction of my life. How we spend our days is how we spend our lives, and I want to be spending each and every day with my favorite children making sure that I am living a life of purpose. 

When people ask me what I actually do every day...it's a hard question to answer. Every day is incredibly similar but so very different. We may eat breakfast, lunch and dinner at the same time, help with homework, clean dishes, go to the park and have dirty feet at the end of the day...but what happens in between those times is what really matters. Here's a little look in between the routine :]

It's a brand new day. I wake up and head down stairs greeted by all the children waiting on the couches and chairs. Some children give hugs and kisses, while others yell my name as I walk by. Our doorbell rings at least 100 times a day, from staff to visitors so I am usually the once to answer it. Nurses, staff, Mamitas and others arrive by 7:00 to begin their day. Breakfast is initiated by the doctor yelling..."vamos desayuno!" I love passing out the cheese for all of the kids, because the kids love to say their please and thank you's in english. 

After breakfast I usually wait on the couches in the first room of the house to ask kids who they're going to Lima with and play with some of the little ones. This has to be one of my favorite parts of the day. So much is going on around me, but I am sitting still talking and playing with children. QT (quality time), as Leah would say, is one of the most important parts of being a volunteer. Each child deserves some individual attention, whether it's just the walk home from Mass or swinging on the swings in the park. Baby hour comes and goes which usually means a baby has fallen asleep in my arms. Maybe it's just me, but there is no better feeling than having a baby fall asleep in your arms. Kiarita and Jean Pierre fall asleep like clock work at 10:30 which is when I sit down and feel the South American breeze on my face. 

The children have summer vacation now so trips to the park are daily. A group of kids (usually 6-12 kids) head to the park to play. Volleyball, soccer, wheelchair races, sliding, running, jump rope, bubbles and sidewalk chalk are park regulars. My first day back, I sat in the dirt with Lizbeth and we threw grass at each other for almost an hour. She fell asleep on my stomach as we were watching the clouds drift by and listening to John Mayer. It was one of the most peaceful moments of my life. Definitely on cloud nine :] 

I usually fall asleep on the couch with some child once we return from the park and am awoken for our second baby time of the day. Baby hour, coffee and serving dinner are next on the routine. After dinner the Doctor heads out to Mass and the children have English classes. You would be surprised how much everyone loves learning english, always completing their homework and are excited to tell the Doctor, "sweet dreams" in English. After the volunteers eat dinner with the Doctor, it's pure bliss. I usually end the day with a one on one conversation with a child and tell all of the kids good night before heading to bed. 

By the end of the day, I have washed over 300 dishes, ran up and down the stairs at least 40 times, given and received 100 kisses, had my name called every 10 minutes, tripped countless times, wiped tears and snot, my shirt is covered in dirt, my feet are black, I've met at least 5 new people, comforted a child during therapy, my stomach hurts from laughing so hard and a permanent smile is on my face. It is the perfect day and it happens every day. This is how I spend my days and this is how I want to spend my life :] 

So when most ask what do I actually do all day, the answer is simple. I LOVE. I start the day with my arms opens wide open ready to approach every situation and child with as much love as God has given me. I've never been happier as I am with these incredible children, living in Peru. So if you asked me, what I would do if today was my last day? I would be here. Loving, leading and living what my heart has called me to do. 

WITH ALL MY LOVE! 

-teaner 

Back to Peru! :]

Sitting in the Miami airport with a 10 hour layover definitely has its perks. Reading, writing and catching up on my favorite television shows are just a few of the things I have been doing...not to mention I'm in Miami trick ;] hahahaha

It seems like I have been waiting for today, January 16th, since I arrived back in America on December 8th. I have gotten so much grief about wanting to return early, my "depressing" last blog post and my comments of being unable to relate to my best friends didn't go over too well. So right now, I am not going to mention any of that. Those closest to me have heard it too many times and frankly, I am sick of saying it. So, this post will not relate to any of the above mentioned items. 

Go ahead and make fun of me all you want, but I have grown so much spiritually during my journey. I have always been a firm believer in God, but beyond that was something I never really understood or cared to explore. It's so hard to explain where I was spiritually last May (before I made the commitment to volunteer in Peru) and where I am now mid-January on my way back to a place I have fallen in love with. Preparing for my trip over the summer, I had the mindset that this was all about what I was doing and how these 9 months was an alternative to my sophomore year of college. It's incredible how 5 months have changed not only my spirituality but my entire life. I have always believed in fate...and that you can't fight it, no matter how hard try. And my journey is a clear example of pure, un-fightable fate. 

There's something that happened to me that most don't or will never understand. Until I actually felt it, I didn't quite believe it either. This could be the reason why I am so overjoyed to return to Peru (or maybe I'm just excited to squeeze Jean Pierre to pieces). I experienced a calling from God. Yeah, yeah, I know. If you don't care to continue reading...that's fine! I am just writing what I feel has happened to me within the last 5 months. There wasn't some biblical phenomenon where I was awoken from sleep. But, over time...I could just feel this pounding in my heart that was never there before. Something inside of me changed and I knew that I was in the right place, at the right time, doing what God had always planned for me. It's true fate that I went from attending Fordham University, discerning a new path at the end of my freshman year, getting on that plane in August to Peru and finding my passion weeks later. You truly can't fight fate :]

"We have been created for greater things. 

Not to just be a number in the world. Not just to go for diplomas and degrees. This work and that work. 

We have been created in order to love and to be loved."

-Mother Theresa

As much as I may not have seemed to enjoy being home, I really did love seeing my friends and family. I have some of the best supporters in the world and wouldn't trade them for anything (Yes, Lizzy and Ellen...that means YOU!) A long term volunteer once told me that there comes a point where I will need to choose between committing my life to serving God and the poor and my friends and family back home. She explained how difficult it was for her living between two worlds and I would know the day when I had to make that choice. After going back to Ohio for one month, I completely disagree. Maybe that is true in most circumstances...but let me tell you something. I have the greatest friends in the entire world. I think I returned to Ohio with more friends than I left with and never, ever will I make that decision. Like all of my friends and family, I am constantly changing. I may be changing in different ways than them after making the commitment to live a life for God and others...but I will always be the same best friend, sister, daughter and future maid of honor ;] that I aways have been. Promise!

I will update everyone as soon as I arrive at the Hogar safely and am greeted Tuesday morning by the greatest children I have ever met in my life <3 I couldn't be more excited for this next part of my journey! As always, I am just livin' and lovin' life. 

I never thought this 6 inch mattress and rickity bunk bed would feel so good ;] I'M FINALLY HOME!

-Teaner :]

"we are all pencils in the hand of God writing love letters to the world....."